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From South Africa: My fiance left me two years ago. I have not stopped crying, all my efforts have been rejected by her. I have been using substance to try and help me. I thought of taking my life many times. It’s effecting my work and my social life. I have really tried everything I really need help.
Thank you for writing. Yes, you do need help. What you are describing may be unresolved grief. Your fiance has made it clear that you should let her go and move on. But you are stuck.
As you’ve already discovered for yourself, misusing substances doesn’t help you reach resolution. In fact, it keeps you stuck. However important the relationship was at the time, it is not a tribute to your fiance or respectful of yourself to put your life on hold or to end your life. You deserve better.
Since this has gone on for 2 years, my guess is that this is a much deeper problem than unwillingness to deal with her rejection. You deserve the attention of a therapist who can hear your whole story and help you through your grief and your anxieties about again finding love. Please take care of yourself and get the support you need.
I wish you well.
My boyfriend recently opened up to me about the physical abuse he experienced at the hands of his father when he was growing up. Finding this out has connected a lot of dots for me in terms of some insecurities he had expressed previously. As he told me about what he went through, I just tried to be a safe space for him to open up as it was obviously an incredibly difficult thing for him to talk about.
My heart hurts for him, and I feel out of my depth in terms of knowing how to best support him (as well as figuring out how to understand and interact with him in the most loving ways) in regards to the trauma he experienced.
I’m wondering if there are any resources you could recommend that would help me navigate this aspect of our relationship in the most healthy way possible, and that might also allow me some insight into his pain and the ways that the abuse has shaped him into the man he is today. Any advice, books, or articles you could share with me would be so appreciated.
(Sidenote: I 100% understand that it isn’t my job to be his therapist or counselor and that I don’t have the ability to heal or fix him. I would just love to know how to be the best partner I can be to him.) (From Canada)
I think this is a terrific thing you are doing, with the right amount of sensitivity and concern, with a true understanding of your limitations and a desire to learn how to be in the relationship. I encourage you to look for counselors in your area that can help with either individual counseling for your boyfriend or couple counseling for the two of you. Here are some resources that may be helpful.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral
From a teen in the United Arab Emirates: my gf is 18 years old and we live in dubai and the issue is she cheated with 3 of my friends and and they have bigger dicks than me sorry for the words im using, and i cant get over it because i never had such past like getting sex or any of that but other than that she lost her virginity to me and i lost it to her..anyways i cant get over it and its making a huge deal and its been 2years like that and i dont know what to do so please help me
Thank you for writing. As you are finding, having sex and making a commitment are two different things. Ideally, when sexual fidelity is important to people, the conversation about what they expect of each other comes before being intimate.
From your perspective your girlfriend “cheated”. I’m guessing that she didn’t think she had promised anything by having sex with you. I therefore don’t think what she did is the primary problem. Rather, it is your insecurity about your sexual prowess that is causing your pain. You are comparing yourself to other men negatively and you wanted your girlfriend to reassure you by being loyal to only you — even though you apparently never talked about it. Neither of you “lost” your virginity. You both made the choice to have sex and had different ideas about what it meant.
What happened is not unusual for a 16 year old. But you’ve now been torturing yourself with your doubts and anxieties for over 2 years. Enough. If you — or your former girlfriend — could make you feel secure, you would have done it already. Please get yourself some professional help. You deserve to have peace of mind. You need to get free of your negative thoughts about yourself as a lover so you can find the kind of tender and loving relationship you want.
I wish you well.
Is there a way to talk about death candidly, without fear … and even with humor? How can we best prepare for it with those we love? This hour, TED speakers explore the beauty of life … and death. Guests include lawyer Jason Rosenthal, humorist Emily Levine, banker and travel blogger Michelle Knox, mortician Caitlin Doughty, and entrepreneur Lux Narayan.